Sunday, 26 July 2015

Life and Wondering Why?

Sometimes things in life are sent to try you. To test you. To see how strong you really are. Nine years ago, on this very day, one of the hardest things was sent to try Husband and I. It was the day we lost our baby.

Finding out you are pregnant is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. It was a month before we were due to get married, maybe even a bit less, and I had been feeling awful. I'd just finished a course of medicine to help with what the Doctor thought was gut colic but it hadn't helped. I still felt ill. I had pain in my bladder area and I ended up having to be seen by the Doctor on call. She asked me if I could be pregnant. I had stopped taking my pill 3 months before we were due to get married but the thought had never crossed my mind that I would be pregnant so soon. I'd been on the pill for almost 5 years so I thought it would take awhile for everything to go back to normal. I took a pregnancy test and there it was; the faint line of a positive pregnancy test.

I had to give a sample in to my Doctor's surgery and they confirmed the result. We were going to be parents and there's nothing like that feeling of finding out you are going to be parents, especially for the first time. We guessed we must be around 8 - 10 weeks pregnant.

We got married, having only told very close friends the news. One of them slipped up in our wedding guest book and as my in-laws took all of our presents and cards home with them after the wedding, they found out. They were really excited.

We went off on honeymoon to Portugal and it was wonderful. We relaxed by the pool and enjoyed lots of delicious food by the marina.

Then, on 26th July 2006, as we walked to dinner, I felt something strange. We went to a bar to go to the toilet and I was bleeding. We had to take a taxi to the nearest hospital which was about an hour away. It seemed to take forever as we sat in silence in the car. I think we were both hoping it was just a scare but I also think we knew. We knew I was losing our baby.

When we arrived at the hospital, I started bleeding heavily. The poor male porter was traumatised. He didn't speak English but he knew what was happening. I was taken to a ward, with people either side of me and we had to wait. We waited for ages because the hospital wouldn't do anything until either Husband paid the medical bill or they heard from the insurance. Initially they wouldn't even let him use the phone but we didn't have mobiles with us. Finally, he got in contact with the insurance who paid out straight away and I was taken to theatre to have a dilation and curettage procedure. I was under general anaesthetic in a foreign country and Husband had no idea what was going on because of the language barrier. He had to sign my consent form as I had lost so much blood, I was almost passed out. A few days after, I had to return to the hospital for a scan. The Doctor confirmed the baby was around 10 weeks and had I been 14 weeks or more, I may have had to go through the pain of giving birth.

Losing a baby is something really difficult to go through, no matter where you are in the world but for it to happen on our honeymoon was just horrific. However, it cemented our relationship and made us closer, stronger and more supportive of one another.

We've had hard times happen throughout our relationship from really small things like a bump to our brand new car to the big things like redundancy and consoling our children when we had to put the cats to sleep after they were poisoned. I often wonder, why do these things happen in life? But I'm a firm believer in only being sent the things you are meant to learn from, grow from and become stronger from.

Sometimes I wonder...was the baby a boy or a girl? What would it have been like? Would it have looked like Husband or I? But then I think of my children, who are here and are the most important people in our lives.  It may sounds horrid but, I came to realise very quickly that we lost our first baby so we could have Z and I can't imagine a world without Z in it. And would Miss C have been born if our first baby had?

I'm a firm believer in things also happening for a reason and whilst sometimes I question the reasons things happen to us, especially not so good things, I know that nothing will break us. We have each other and in life, so long as we've got each other, we've got everything we will ever need.

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